For My Father, 爸爸

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You’d think I’d changed.
Perhaps older, more mature
Or maybe that I’m the same, stubborn as ever, and I—
I wouldn’t disagree if you said that.
I’m less crazy now; going mad you’d call it,
when I’d uncontrollably laugh for hours on end,
at nothing funny in particular;
Or maybe it’s just a phase
(I hope so).

You’d tell me to calm down,
To be brave, like you did—
Like you did to the young man who doubted himself
(I’m working on it).
You’d tell me not to be upset over such silly things,
You’d say I’m stupid if I was, in a fond way,
And that life is much bigger.
You knew that.
You were an engineer and engineers solve the world’s big problems.

You said I’m very kind, like how I am with small animals, bugs and insects
But you were the kindest.
How important it is
To be kind, to be loving, to be humble,
All life is precious.

I think how I would link my arm in yours and tell you all the things I’ve done,
I hope you’d be proud of me,
That you’d think I’m more patient
(probably because now I see patients),
Happy that I have so many friends,
Happy that I’m writing.
I want to be a writer,
Like how I used to.
My writing is better now,
Much better than the rhyming Ocean poem
(” as calm as the ocean…waves crashing in slow motion”)
I wrote in year six that I was so proud of,
So happy you saved in a drawer.

Perhaps you’d say I’m an adult now, you used to.
But I still feel like a child.

I think I am becoming more and more like you —
Planning, organizing scrupulously
As if it were an art,
Reading, learning, meditating,
Pursuing knowledge, truth and inner peace,
Living life through a quiet introversion.
These days I like being alone.

I like maths too now,
I understand why it’s great and why we need it.
Sometimes I even think I should of studied maths or physics and become an engineer like you,
Thinking about real problems.

I dare to dream a little bigger now
Like you did once.
Maybe that’d surprise you.
Maybe one day I can live my dreams for you and me both.

I hope be like you,
To give, without expecting,
To be kind, grateful and  graceful.
I hope to be brave,
Unjaded by the world’s trials and tribulations, real or imagined
And to believe in good in the world.

I like to think you are out there amongst the stars in space,
One with the Universe, surrounded by love, peace and joy,
Where time does not exist
And where everything is infinite.

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