Lessons from Heartbreak



After much resentment, pain, and sadness, and much deliberation, analysis and introspection from what really did feel like my heart breaking (— they say emotional pain triggers the same neural pathways as physical pain), I realised that I am not perfect but that what I am is enough. I am human and humans are not perfect. Over time, I have come to accept and learn to appreciate myself as I am .

Self-acceptance can be difficult after a breakup when you feel you are at fault for the breakdown of your relationship, whether completely or partly. But understand that sometimes no matter how hard you try, how much you put in, things may not work out; as with anything in life. And this certainly is the case when there is another person involved because other people have free will, choice, their own demons as you have yours.

Perhaps you feel wronged. You have done no wrong, and in fact you have done everything right (or what you believe to be right) to resolve and heal your relationship but things still don’t work out. Sometimes you just have to accept that that person is just not right for you and let go. This is something you have to understand and accept even though it is painful. Not letting go of pain only hurts you, not the other person (this a similar idea to the quote holding anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, in that holding onto negative emotions that do not serve you, will only harm you, not the other person).

So you must learn to let go, to forgive and make peace with the past. The people who come into our lives and are attracted to us, show us something about ourselves, they reflect us. Other people are mirrors for ourselves, and through them we can see things about ourselves we would otherwise be blind to.

Don’t focus all your attention on one person. I am not saying don’t give your relationship with your significant other much effort — in fact I believe you should give it your all, put 100% into making your relationship work and growing with that person. If they are right for you, then things will work. But it is important to make time for yourself — the things you enjoy,  the things that are important to you.

Make all areas of your life, rich and full — your other relationships, your hobbies, dreams, goals in life, your contribution to the world, self-expression, and very importantly, the relationship you have with yourself. Working on all or as as many areas of your life as possible, is crucial to live a fulfilling and happy life because you will be able to have happiness, joy, of fulfillment from numerous sources, not just one. So if one area of your life is not going so well, you still have other things to fall back on, which will help you to get back up and move forward with your life.

People come and go, and that is just the way life is. At the end of the day all you can do if be true to you. Whoever comes along and chooses to stay in your life no matter the obstacles, to fight for you, is someone who is right for you — someone who truly appreciates you for who you truly are. They accept you as you are, just as you should.

There is a quote I do believe in by C.S. Lewis, which says “there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” Your mistakes and past experiences only serve to make you wiser in your judgement and a stronger person. So keep moving forward, be strong and unbroken.

— z.b. 


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